I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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