I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
