He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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