no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
