Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
