I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize