Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
