does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
