this beer tastes like vomit already
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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