So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
