Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
