Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
