you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
