i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize