There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize