Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
