In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
