if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
