I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
