I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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