I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
