I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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