thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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