I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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