I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
