don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
