there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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