Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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