You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
