I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
only if we run a train.
done.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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