Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
