rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
