you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
