Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
