Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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