thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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