So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me