her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
