I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
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