Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
