im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
