Apparently you make a good broom.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
