Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Randomize
