you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i dont even know how to be here
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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