she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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