Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
