just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
