I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
two words: eviction party
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
