My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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