I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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