i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
