When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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