Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
