I swear she didn't look like that last week.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
