please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
