I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
