Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
