allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
