life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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